Ok. I am the type who needs to talk about these things as I go? To help myself realize that my anxiety is a tool the adversary will use on me! When I try to stand up. When I try to push myself into faith over fear. The fear comes. But it’s my trial to be refined by. I’m seeing it more clearly now. And when I write. I understand more. When I write my thoughts open. I see. The fear is like its own veil I must have faith to walk through and trust that the Lord is on the other side, with open arms! Can you see it! The murky darkness of the unknown. The future. It’s that shadow of fear. And it’s what faith is my tool to use for! It can be anything I choose. A shield. A light. My friends beside me. A hug from my kids. Quiet prayer. Music that lifts me. And remembering the confirmations I have had as my spiritual armor. Where the words of those who wish to hurt should not have the power I give them so often to prick me. But to let go. Let go of pride. In Grey’s Anatomy a Rabbi who was dying taught a powerful lesson on Christ and the Bible to Kepner, who felt so broken.

She felt that since she had done everything right in life, and followed all His rules, and he interrupted her and said what. That guarantees you what ? That’s narcissistic thinking ! Look at all those who followed Christ yet suffered horribly. We are not guaranteed a trial free life. Faith is what you have when life is hard. Not when it’s easy. Or what is the purpose. His lesson was so powerful. How can I say my hurt is worse than others. Or that since I have tried to do right and it gets so hard I must not be good enough? Yes. Depression and anxiety have places when I need help. But I am grateful for the lessons I learn and answers given even in prime time tv.

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